The Boxes We Build

Dating is a prolonged interview. Participants discuss their childhoods, careers, education, hobbies, dreams, hopes, experiences, etc. The older we get, the more we know (perhaps arrogantly) what we want and don't want. The older we get, the more ridged we become in making sure we avoid the things that cause us disappointment in the past. The older we get, the more future oriented we become. We know from experience that time will pass and how we feel during that time is directly related to the choices we make now.

So, logically, it's best to avoid the things that brought us pain, anger or disappointment.

When we were young though, we didn't have all these mental lists to refer to. We merely acted on cultural conditioning, emotion or some mixture of the sort. We were drawn what we were drawn to, many times for no explicable reason whatsoever. Then again, we probably weren't looking for reasons. It isn't necessarily hedonistic but I guess it could be seen that way.

There is something liberating about not having those lists that come with experience. There is a sense of freedom and innocence that comes from not having years of information to refer to. When those lists aren't present, it's almost as if people can reach these levels of contentment and happiness that can't be reached when the mind harps out factual data. We think, (perhaps incorrectly) that by following the lists of what we want or don't want is exactly the way to achieve happiness and contentment. Experience begets wisdom, right?

Or does it?

I suppose it depends on what you do with the experiences and how you interpret them. Sure, someone with a lot of experience can rattle off the law of probability to any situation. It's simple math, really. The more you know, the more data you have to draw from. The more data you have to draw from, the more accurate conclusion you can come to. And the more right conclusions you can come to, the less interesting life becomes. There's no more mystery. Life just becomes one big algebra problem. A big, lifeless, unemotional algebra problem.

Maybe this is just my own personal experience. I'm acutely aware that many people feel they are missing something in their lives. I'm also aware than many of these people, perhaps innocently and unaware, sit in a state of desire rather than risk losing the feeling of desire for fulfillment. It's like gambling. It is that feeling of 'expectation of winning' that brings people back over and over, not the winning itself. If it were the winning itself, a person could win once and be done.

But it doesn't work that way, does it.

I used to date younger men almost exclusively. My reason was, they weren't 'ruined' yet. They still knew how to dream and feel things. They weren't bogged down by failure... and weren't paralyzed by the thought of it. They lived in the moment. They had this shiny optimism I just couldn't find in men my own age. They were more accepting and could bring out a lightness in me that life can beat down over time.

But, (and there is always a but) my expectations for my future would always put the kibosh on it. Then I'd try men my own age or older again to no avail. I'd just sit at a restaurant, see a young fellow across the way and I was drawn to his lightness. I'd look at the man across from me and search his eyes to find the lad he used to be.

And there is one in every man. Then it becomes a question of probabilities. Can that lad come out? Will he let him out? Does he want to find him again? Does he even care?

Generally it seems, after the age of thirty five or so, the lists have taken over. They're pretty content with their lives overall, (men have a gift for contentment it seems) but I need more than a man who is content with his lists that keep him in a state of 'hoping'. His lists don't bring him happiness, just like mine don't. They just keep us on the edge of desire and expectation and consequently pining away for fulfillment like an elusive deer.

This state then becomes a lifestyle itself and boxes us in.

I worry sometimes that I've built this box for myself. Maybe I like to speak about it in general terms so I don't feel isolated. I mean, if I'm one of the few who've done this, what fate does that bring? People, (well, the right people) are good for growth. They can bring about challenges and changes, for the better. But even if I have a gift for calculating probabilities, it isn't an exact science so realistically I could be discarding or missing good opportunities that I'm walking away from due to my experiences and how I'm calculating situations.

I really thought about strongandsubmissives comment (thank you, by the way) on my last post.* I meditated on it. I almost immediately rejected the thinking that vanilla is simpler for the simple reason, the D/s pool is smaller to pick from. That makes it inherently simpler, but really he's right, it doesn't. Then again, I'm not sure it makes it more complicated either.

What's the difference if you go to Match.com and see the vanilla lists compared to the lists on Collarme.com? A list is a list is a list and at the end of those lists do people find liberation or boxes? We're all, vanilla and otherwise, just trying to be happy, right? We all just want to feel fulfilled, loved and accepted, don't we? Isn't that what those lists are for?

I just hope over time that I don't tack up so many lists in my box that they cover up my air holes.




* I pondered the sub I discarded and decided to keep him in exile. I had good reasons for discarding him and I should know better than to question my judgment on that. I have come to the conclusion that his exile has more to do with my gut instinct than my lists. At least I considered it though and that in itself makes me feel a little less unyielding and boxed in.

Domina on the Prowl

Okay, okay, I'm a slow learner perhaps but hopefully I'm behind the curve now. The sub I've discarded is now back on the list for consideration. I mean he is, by all accounts, submissive and even though he did display some bad behavior, he's been in exile so long, maybe he's learned a lesson.

Boy, when I get pissed, I get pissed. Not only that, I stay pissed. I'm pretty rigid about things I've noticed but when you've been steering your own ship for so long, it's hard to let mates aboard and let them fool around with your ropes.

Sometimes it takes time to figure out what you want... and sometimes you come to the conclusion that doesn't exist. So you abandon what you want and plod onward into nothingness; i.e. dating vanilla men and seeing if maybe there is some latent or secret submission laying around in there.

Why, why, why won't I give this up? It always ends up as a disaster of some sort. Sure, they're willing to let me defile and use them, pretty much all men are game for this to some degree, but they just aren't my flavor. They're too culturally conditioned and don't have enough drive in them to submit in a real sense. Could I brainwash them into having a submissive mind set? Perhaps but it seems the effort I'd have to put out wouldn't be worth what I'd be getting in return.

So, I created another AOL profile, one adorning the name of this blog and dove into the chat rooms again. I was specific about wanting men in my state but I quickly realized again that most subs are in New York and New Jersey. Some are willing to relocate so I suppose that's a fair compromise, if in fact they are actually able to relocate.

People lie online, it's true. But I really believe they don't all lie. I'm not an eternal optimist but I'm positive there are submissive men out there that want the sort of life situation I want.

Aside from finding a sub online, I have no idea how else to go about it. I've went out with several vanilla guys in the last couple of months, none of them approached me about being dominated. When I brought it up, I could see question marks popping up in their minds and one guy railed against the whole idea. He wants 'equality' he says.

Good luck with that, even in the vanilla world. Silly boy.

After all this hoo haa and a mental rest, it prompted to me to start thinking about the sub I let go. Now, he's not exactly what I'm after in every respect but at least he is submissive and interested in many of the things I am. I don't see a future with him though simply because I think we're poorly suited for longevity so I wonder if my entertaining this is a bad idea since really, what I want, is something that is enduring. At least I know I'll have some fun though. We did get on well together for the most part and he's actually quite sweet.

I thought about showing my ad on collarme.com again but the shit I have to wade through on there is overwhelming. And discouraging for that matter. No matter how clearly you put things about what you want, you'll get one hundred emails to the contrary.

I don't even think most subs read the ads all the way through. They see the photo and start writing an email.

D/s is an intelligent endeavor for me. It isn't just about the kinky parts in and of themselves, it's about that lofty place that I hover in when I'm engaged in it. It is very cerebral for me as well as primitive. I want a submissive man I can have an actual relationship with. One I can talk about daily life with. One I can debate politics with, bitch about the weather to, watch movies, kayak and travel with and even get a hug from when I want (or need) one. I suppose these are vanilla things but I also want to be able to share my wicked fantasies with them.

Yep, I want it all.

Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure again but there are people online who have successful D/s relationships. These people don't just have D/s in common, but a host of other things I'm sure. Look at Emma and Scott? They are a smashing couple and are literally living the dream. Look at the fdhoushusband, same thing there, yet their relationships are quite different. Imagine all the other couples that are roaming around that are making it happen in a way that suits them and fall asleep every night with smiles on their faces feeling lucky and content.

I know they're out there. I know they are.

And, for today at least, I know my submissive is out there as well. And we'll find each other, it's just a matter of time.

- Observe due measure for timing, is in all things, the most important factor. - Hesiod.

Almost... but not quite.

A boring Sunday afternoon, my allergies were bothering me and I was trolling the Internet. I scan through a couple of chat rooms to see who's about. Ah, SexySub something or other, very good, and in a vanilla chat room that hails the name of my state.

A rare find indeed!

I contact him, we begin chatting. It's going lovely. We're on the same page with most interests. He lives less than an hour away, he's big, nice looking, older than me and we even have vanilla hobbies in common.

Let's just say I was pretty excited. This isn't the sort of thing I come across very often, especially in terms of geography. Everything was going swell, then I figured I should toss this out just to be sure.

I assume you're not married or anything...

I'm attached.

You're married?

Yes, but she's had an operation so she's not into sex anymore at all. She's totally vanilla, missionary sex only, anything beyond that disgusts her.

Yes, I get it. I do. He apologizes, I tell him it is fine and that I should have asked sooner and not assumed.

However, I'm not meeting any married men.

I don't know how other Dommes feel about this but it just doesn't feel right to me. It'd be one thing if she were aware of it, sort of like a cuckolding thing where it is an agreement not cheating, but that's not the case. It is the typical scenario where a strongly wired submissive man married a vanilla woman in hopes either his submission will subside or she climbs aboard the D/s wagon but to no avail on either count.

I just can't get past the disrespect. Not the disrespect he's displaying toward his marriage, that's not really any of my business, it is the disrespect I'd be showing toward another woman that bothers me.

Personally, I'm not sure I could get the sort of energy rush I want from a sub who is committed elsewhere. I don't know that I could have the sort of experience I want. Frankly, the wife would be on my mind a lot. I mean, how does a Domme resolve the fact that her sub has been tongue fucking her ass but then goes home and kisses his unsuspecting wife?

Mr. and Mrs. Whitmore

When I think of a Dominant Female, all sorts of pictures pop into my head. I see all the leather crops and crisp business suits. Red seductive snarls and smiles. Tight bodies and manicured fingernails. But I also picture a woman who is calm. She is collected, observant and thoughtful. She listens to people as they speak and reads between the lines. She is self aware. She is in control not only of herself, but to an extent, her surroundings wherever she may be. She is not judgmental and there is a comforting quality about her yet behind that nurturing attribute there is a commanding presence.

Years ago I worked for a real estate developer selling new housing. I had a client that I've never forgotten. She and her husband were both in their late 60's and looking to build their dream home. The couple was of African descent and the wife was quite tall (taller than me and I'm 5' 8") and a bit heavy set due to an illness that I've long forgotten the name of. At our first meeting we mostly just chatted about things in a friendly way. She was regal and loving. She loomed over her shorter, doting husband and referred to him through a wide smile as a "jewel'.

His response was to meekly smile in a bashful way. He adored her.

They were in love with the model house I was working in. They loved the furnishings, the color scheme and the floor plan. The only trouble was it was a two story home and the illness the wife had prevented her from climbing stairs easily. She lightly spoke of this, merely because it was something that was a legitimate concern in regard to purchasing a home. Her husband was quick to say he would keep the upstairs clean and would carry her upstairs if necessary.

They didn't buy the house but did come back to visit me from time to time. Each time it was the same. She had this wonderful quality, this sparkle in her eye, this calm serenity I don't think I've ever seen in a person to that degree. I was so taken by them as a couple I couldn't help but ask her oodles of questions, all which she answered open and honestly.

I was so at ease around her and don't think anyone on Earth couldn't be.

The last time I saw her, she hugged me and I asked her to adopt me as her daughter. We both laughed but the truth was, I wanted what she had. I wanted that example in my life, that regal, elegant quality, that nurturing energy, that power of love that came out of every inch of her and spilled over into anything in her path.

From the conversations we'd had, it was clear her path wasn't always easy. She didn't always make the best choices but she pressed on and found herself, her voice and her 'jewel'.

And hopefully their dream home. *smile*

I don't know what became of this lovely couple and it's been years since I've seen them.

When I speak with submissive men, mostly they seem to be looking for the beauty, the forceful Dominant that will hold them to strict guidelines with no cares about what they want. "Use me for your pleasure", they say. And I understand that, I do. But there is a whole other side that even I forget about. I don't think Mrs. Whitmore owns any kinky toys. I doubt she punishes her husband at all, but rather carefully and gracefully guides him to where she wants him.

And obeys, I'm sure.

Their relationship seems, by all accounts, a D/s relationship but with a totally different flavor than what is expressed in the BDSM community. Then again, maybe I'm just missing it. I'd like to be more like Mrs. Whitmore, no question. And I'd like to be more like her before I get to the age of sixty.

I read once that class is simply the act of making people feel comfortable wherever they are. It's that gentle way of calming someone or putting them at ease. There is almost a fluidity to it. It's not about having status, or being highly educated or knowing what fork to use with which course. It's just about being human and touching people in a human way.

Without these qualities, FemDom wouldn't be much of anything in my opinion.

Luniy Svet

A thick blanket drapes across the land
Tapestry of darkness no mortal comprehends
Silhouettes of distant, hidden imagery
Tasting the magic of ardent melodies

Warming tides of emotional bliss
Finding refuge in a rose colored kiss
Unrevealed, cloaked in content
Rhythmically washing away past regret

United among the whispering trees
The angels aloft lift up and sing
Fullfillment, completion, beauty in bloom
Wasn't the moonlight, you can own the moon

Light Bringer

A second rate sculptor
Attacks marble with a medicore passion.
There are no second tries,
Only changes in actions.
And the subject gets smaller and smaller still yet...
Debris, residue, dust, failed attemtps.

A second rate actor
Pretended real but he wasn't.
His pretending nor fate
Brought the proper disruption.
An unfamilar staircase
To the netherworld of his soul,
His words marked his path
And then swallowed him whole.

The creator, composer, perfecting the muse,
All now discarded by an unwanted truth.
A dirty nor clean conscience shall grant a reprieve,
Oh the terrible things the light bringer brings.

Beggars rarely find ladders, they always find them.
Then the sun rises casting shades of contempt.
For the light bringer brings
The most terrible things.

May darkness protect you, cover your soul.
For words mark the path and then swallow you whole.
In the light I can see the most terrible things.
Illumination despised, the light bringer brings.

Ramble On

After my short lived rendezvous with a sub a while back I was left both satisfied and disappointed. Certainly the several day long session itself went well but there was a nagging sense of suspicion on my part. The union was short-lived, my decision, but overall I was happy with the experience... especially considering I needed experience.

The lack thereof had begun to gnaw at my insides and it needed to be quelled.

The experience did little to assist in my internal growth though. While I may have learned some things, mostly the interaction was a hands on endeavor, not a mental exploration. Therefore the match simply wasn't suitable for my needs.

There is this big gap between high running D/s content and common ground. Chemistry is its own force; you either fit or you don't and chemistry alone doesn't necessarily have anything to do with longevity. Further, you can have plenty in common but if you're not on the same page as to a D/s lifestyle, you're in for a lot of empty conversations about the color of your shirt or the weather.

Something about the encounter however hardened me. It closed me off in a way. While the experience brought me tangible gains, it did little to feed me mentally. I was simply separated inside having to choose between a plaything and something more meaningful. I picked the latter, because that's just how it is for me. For the most part, I'm perfectly at ease being alone. I prefer to be by myself than with a plaything all the while feeling I'm being robbed of a more meaningful experience.

Perhaps I've been alone too long.

Sometimes I get the feeling that many submissive men have simply adopted the female way of manipulating as a way to attain their goals. I don't think manipulation has to be inherently bad, it simply depends on the awareness of the person and their intent. People who manipulate unconsciously out of habit however are harder to work with as they are not aware they're being manipulative in the first place.

However, if manipulation is the medium in which the submissives goals are achieved, the question begs, is the sub objectifying the objectifier?

To be seen as a "Dominant Woman" has its good points but to not be seen as a woman with human attributes is much like seeing a man as a slave or a slave as a dog. The details of being a person fade out and in place are just leather boots, stature, snarls, body parts and a consequently distorted version of the woman. Go at it long enough and it is as if the person the woman is just sort of disappears.

Then it's all usury and it becomes hard to tell who's using who.

Perhaps if participants would to some degree see that they're basically using each other and be honest about it, that would take a lot of the mystery out of it. But what if you're just not that interested in using someone without delving into their brains to see how they tick?

I might as well eat a bland sandwich and watch a crappy movie on cable if that's how it is.

On the other hand, a lot of the flowery hoo haa that men blather on with isn't all that appealing either because I know they're blathering on with the same shit to every other Domme they encounter. Occasionally I have had the luck to befriend a few subs who've divulged more about who they truly are and are well acquainted with words enough to express themselves. Then there are others whom I've felt this strong energy rush with. These are the subs I'm most fond of simply because I gain so much from interacting with them but it would be awfully nice to combine the two.

I told a friend a while back that having a sub shouldn't just make your life easier, their energy can actually make you feel like you can accomplish anything. It isn't that the sub is doing all the work, (which he very well may be doing) but rather his energy pushes the female psyche to realize how powerful and whole she can be.

That's my flavor.

I suppose this is what I'm after the most yet I lose sight of that for various reasons and find myself tromping around in the swamp land of my mind. I drift back to vanilla men who have the habit of trying to fashion me into their ideal. That never works and it is also a form of manipulation and really, I know enough about myself to know the areas I will change and the areas I will not. I've brought up D/s to a few of them and generally the don't understand what I'm talking about. My fantasies include things that make them grimace and their unwillingness to even entertain the idea just gets me to a faster conclusion that this is yet one more place I have no business being in.

So, while the subs pine away for the Mistress that can take them to places they dream of going, the Mistress dreams of the sub who is her flavor and shares her vision, murky as it may be.